Out of Order

Everyone suffers loss. Yet our society, while focusing on the external cultural rituals associated with loss, has a lack of awareness of the suffering of those left to survive. This results in callous insensitivity towards those grieving, which increases their pain. The insensitivity and lack of empathy is usually the result of ignorance, but is also a consequence of the chronic trauma suffered by many in this society in a post-war context.  Resilience is praised, and pain is suppressed, and stoicism is praised, and people are shamed for being vulnerable. People have suffered so much for so long and without any support or understanding, that they lack the band width to acknowledge the pain of others. 

How can any one person’s grief be more than another’s? Yet that is the initial message of traumatic loss: that your grief is the worst in the world, the worst thing you have ever so far experienced, and you have to struggle to survive it, and endure it. It is no less than anyone else’s grief. Perspective and understanding that this is a collective trauma that we all go through comes much later. Don’t expect to fit this searing chaos into a neat frame at first. 

Those of us who have lost loved ones, particularly suddenly, often experience our blood pressure shooting up, insomnia and panic attacks. Many people constantly dream of dying themselves, and can become excessively fearful and overcautious in everyday life. Our anxieties rise to the surface, and life can feel surreal. It’s a trauma response. 

We can feel over-reactions to everyday events. These take a lot of energy, and can exhaust us. 

We feel out of order, out of control, and that our life is unravelling. We can be prone to infection, sudden accidents, and fits of clumsiness and awkward misalignments. We can be verbally abrupt or brusque when we are normally polite, graceful and socially attuned. We feel like an ‘Out Of Order’ sign should be put on our house and car and on our bodies, as a sign to others that essential repair and maintenance is going on. My aim in writing this piece is to say that this ‘Out Of Order’ sign should read ‘Temporarily Out Of Order’. Because the first anguish of crisis does pass, and some order does return as your system gradually gets restored. It will not be the same as it was, though. And you will not be the same person. It’s a new era of your life, this raw transitional time, during which you will increasingly incorporate the loss you are currently experiencing.

Unexpected loss of a loved one is high in the list of human devastations, and also in the Top 5 are loss of a partner through death or divorce or betrayal, economic loss and loss of income and social status through suddenly losing your job, or investments, loss of mental and psychosocial equilibrium as a result of terrible shock, through natural disaster, war or pandemic, and loss of your bodily autonomy through sudden illness or accident, or rape or assault.

What all these traumatic events have in common is the shock, and the blow to our actual survival, not just our sense of being able to survive. Chronic illness is not on this list because we can adjust to it and learn to manage it over time. When loss comes in the form of ‘out-of-order death’, it’s like a home invasion of the most violent kind. It’s like the roof has been pulled off the place where you live, and the walls blasted. What you are faced with is your foundation, which feels under profound attack.

What sheltered you is under threat. And you don’t feel safe anymore. Because we found solace and shelter in the existence and presence of our loved ones, in shared experiences and conversations and memories. And when they die suddenly, and our wounded hearts and minds try to accept this abrupt ending to what we thought would continue for years to come, it is a flash flood of anguish.

My first advice is to be your own first responder. Identify this as a huge crisis, and immediately act to support yourself physically.


Secondly, seek to establish continuity in your daily life. A simple routine, incorporating basic self care and essential activities, is reassuring to your parasympathetic nervous system. Try to do certain things at the same time every day for several weeks. This sends a message to your whole being that you are caring for yourself.

Thirdly, when you feel ready, after the administrative aspects of the loss are dealt with, start to go through the photos and letters and make an album or a collage - several if you need to - to document their life and the memories you have of them.

Fourthly, sort out their clothes and personal possessions. Think through how they would like these items dealt with. This is very hard to do, and it has taken my family 4 years to do this in relation to my brother. It takes the time it takes. Don’t rush it, because it’s an important part of acceptance of your loss. Some family members might like to be given certain items of clothing or special things to remember the loved one by. These can be personal items like belts, ties or watches. It can be very comforting to wear these items and feel connected to the person whose physical presence you have lost.

Fifthly, if you need to withdraw socially from your usual life, do so, while remaining in contact with those you trust. Seek professional counselling if you want to, especially in the early stages of your loss, to help establish a conscious routine which can assist in your healing and progress. Reduce the presence of unwanted and unnecessary stress in your life. Gently exclude all people and situations which create drama or pressure that you don’t want to deal with. Create space for yourself to take the time you need to grieve.

Keep in mind that in olden days, people used to formally recognise a period of mourning, at least a year, where they refrained from attending big social gatherings and wore dark clothes, and did not indulge in alcohol or participate in festive occasions. Parts of our beings shut down in the face of loss, and we do not have the energy to put ourselves ‘out there’ in the social round. But cutting off from everyone is not healthy either. So find your balance with this, and realise that your openness to joy has had a severe blow, and it will take time to feel pure, sustained happiness again. You may even feel guilt for being alive, when your loved one has suddenly passed, or not want to do things you used to do together or go to places which remind you of them because the pain of loss is too sharp. But you can gradually try to extend these limits as time goes on.

These days, there are some really valuable resources for dealing with grief available on the internet via Instagram and Facebook and YouTube. Four great Instagram pages are: @refugeingrief, @lifedeathwhat, @untanglegrief and @spokengrief.

And there are many others. Books on grief and trauma can help, if you can concentrate for short periods of time. Podcasts are very good resources, if listening to people speak is better for you than reading words, at this time. YouTube videos and guided meditations such as the Gratitude Meditation created by Oprah and Deepak Chopra are helpful as part of a daily routine. The 21 Day Meditations they provide help you track your progress, and focus on what you have, to help deal with what you have lost. 21 days is enough to form a helpful habit.

The Hundred Days Of Happiness Challenge is a good activity to do with close friends, via WhatsApp. It just means you and your friends encourage each other to focus on positive events however small in each day, by sharing a text or image with each other with a brief comment. This enables you to track your own progress, and keep connected with those who care about you and wish you well. I am now in my 4th set of 100 Days, and have found it very helpful in keeping me buoyant and moving forward.

Be aware that just as your body rushes to send healing energy to the areas of pain when you are physically wounded, so your mind and heart are also needing recalibration and healing to restore your equilibrium. Many people find it hard to sleep after suffering traumatic loss, and emotional dysregulation can result from chronic anxiety and bouts of grief and anguish. It is normal to experience memory loss or difficulty in focus and concentration. Do what you do when your body finds it hard to digest food: have small amounts of nutritious food a few times a day and pace yourself. Recognise that your being wants to heal itself, and do all you can to support this process.

Because it is a process. We are sensitive beings, and a loss although it takes place once in physical time is not a one off incident. This loss may stir memories of previous times of grief and shock, and you need to support yourself through this time, in awareness of this complex fusion of past and present, with anxiety of the future.

Please be kind to yourself. And please do reach out for help from skilled and caring professionals and those friends who are inside the parameters of your new landscape because they have empathy and experience. Grief makes us profoundly sensitive, so be careful with who you allow close to you at this time.

The pain we feel in the present is part of the joy of loving and being loved by the people we have lost. Gradually, our life path evolves to incorporate this truth, but it is a unique journey, personal to each of us. Accepting this is part of respecting what all human beings go through, and tremendous empathy, growth and creativity results from this acceptance.