Tuesday, April 13, 2021

Crowning Glories

Image credit: Amazon.com


I recently interviewed four public figures, familiar with receiving attention from the Sri Lankan community, both local and international, for their beauty. I was interested to know - What did it feel like to inhabit this publicly praised face and enviable body? Did they enjoy being lovely to look at, and did they succeed in achieving the happiness they wanted, as well as all the prizes and trophies and career opportunities that have accompanied their progress through life? 


Physical beauty makes those who possess it feel ‘like a million dollars’, but it is an asset that does not hold its value - giving the owner diminishing returns as it fades over time, but prompting their character to grow. 



All four ladies commented on the benefits of the international experience and perspective their success has brought them. But it’s what you do with the recognition and the privileges that beauty brings you that shows the person you are.


Natasha comments that: ‘I love that most perceive me as a role model. It gives me a sense of purpose to use my platform to do good and educate the present and future generations to see beauty in a different light.’


The drawbacks, according to Shirlene, include: ‘Being misunderstood. In this country of ours, being a beauty queen has a little stigma added to it.’ Beauty is seen as a short cut to success and recognition. 


Shivani directly addressed the unwanted attention which beauty evokes from the opposite sex, to the point of constant harassment: ‘The advances from the opposite sex... have no limitations, along with the fear of walking into a place unaccompanied.’ It has also impacted her professional life: ‘As an entrepreneur, I co-founded a company called WEB Syndicate, Sri Lanka’s first web development company, in 1996... an era in which we never saw women in the IT industry, which was dominated by men. So ...wherever I went for board meetings or to meet clients, it was challenging, since it was tough to handle the many stares from men. As good as it is receiving attention to get your point through, or beating your competition, it’s a NO when attention is given for the wrong attributes. The worst of all is that your talent and knowledge get overshadowed when physical beauty overpowers them’. 

The same society that praises you can also be very vicious in its judgment, as Shirlene says: ‘We are all judged for the wrong reasons. We live in a back stabbing, throw away society.’


Angela points out that: ‘Envy, jealousy, the venom of people’s malice, are all a part of the hurt one has to bear. In Sri Lanka, where there is intense belief in sorcery, there is the additional fear of “evil eye”’. 


All concur that it is important to develop inner character, so that, as Shirlene says, ‘I don’t depend on my looks to see me through: it is the love, helping others, compassion and empathy that I have for everyone that will live in me till I die. So even if my looks fade or any calamity befalls me, I hope I will be loved and remembered for those virtues more than for my looks.‘


It’s important to realize that beauty is constructed, as Angela notes: ‘Over the years, beauty has moved from natural to manmade: botoxed, carved, shaped, tinted, tanned, bleached, sutured, lifted, tucked, and reshaped, re-molded and recast. The artificial addition of false hair, lenses, nails, bosoms, and buttocks, all take physical beauty to another level, but an impermanent one. With ageing, the effects of all those would be almost grotesque... I do urge everyone to accept the process of ageing as gracefully as one can, as whatever we  do, we cannot defy the natural changes that nature bestows upon us with time.’


Being beautiful in our youth, we can become distracted and desensitized to the fragility of human life. Perhaps even more so in the disrupted and uncertain times we live in, we need to be aware that health and well-being are more important than surface appearances. Our ethics, our moral character and our integrity and high personal standards of behaviour are what create the beauty in our lives, and those we are connected with. 



Shivani says ‘Accepting your losses, and moving away from the tragedy of losing your looks as a result of illness or accident is painful, but the key is to keep your mental equilibrium in check... Setting an example for the next generation is important. Therefore, panicking and putting too much emphasis on the physical attributes alone will only bring unhappiness when you lose it all’. 


Natasha succinctly states: ‘If we base our validity on superficial things, it would have a catastrophic effect on us.’


Focusing instead on core character values is what has shaped their lives. 


Angela points out the crude pressure that comes with competitiveness and a focus on externals: ‘In the present day, there is a whole new race to keep up to expectations that life, society, community and the generation throw in our paths: one is almost buried under an avalanche of pretense and hypocrisy, largely projected onto us with the easy access to social media, and misused more often than not. The core of it all, sadly, is to show off!!’


Natasha highlights that the publicity that beauty and success brings with it also makes beautiful women a target of unwanted negativity: ‘Having been subjected to sexism, sexual harassment, cyber bullying and constantly having to prove my worth - showing that I’m way more than what meets the eye. I speak for every woman who experiences misogyny. 


The superficial judgments we make of ourselves and others stem from the limitations of our conditioning and the way we perpetuate stereotyping of people. As if there was one box that fits all?! Those who don’t conform ... [find that] these societies end up deciding they would be their judge, jury and executioner, and ridicule them in social circuits or on social media.’



Beauty pageants in the contemporary world are criticized for playing to the male gaze and drawing attention only to women’s appearance. But elegance, gracefulness and glamour encompass social behaviour and self presentation as well. 


Shivani comments that the role of beauty Queen must be performed with finesse:  ‘Since stardom and fame propel you to become a public figure, it’s important to have pageants of this nature for women to propel change in the status quo. You are heard because of the status you hold as a well known personality in the country and in society...  To be a role model for other women, and... to celebrate accomplished women who embody ‘’beauty with brains’’ in the modern world.’


There’s plenty of competitiveness and injustice behind the scenes in the beauty sphere, and the enforcing of ideals of beauty which are body shaming, sizeist, and colour shaming, but these industry challenges call participants to have the courage to look beyond their own good fortune, to what is being endorsed - and often to challenge it. 


Recent events have shown us that women who are crowned as queens of beauty in modern Sri Lanka are expected by the public to also behave with dignity and social sensitivity, as role models of etiquette, elegance and finesse. The title is one that should be carried with honour, and those called queens are inevitably held to higher standards.

Loss Of Face

Image credit: dreamstime


The whole scenario at the crowning of Mrs. World last week is a good opportunity to evaluate the criteria by which we judge those whom we regard as admirable in our society. 

What do we revere them for? How have they elevated or illuminated our community? 


Three days before the events at the Mrs. World ceremony, one of the ladies whose conduct on that day has been most severely criticised shared a post on her public Face book page, to commemorate Easter. It was a quote from the Book of Isaiah, 52:13 


‘Father, into your hands I commend my spirit. 

In you, O LORD, I take refuge; 

let me never be put to shame. 

In your justice rescue me.

Into your hands I commend my spirit; 

You will redeem me, O LORD, O faithful God.’



Under this scripture text was a picture of the crucified Christ, raised up on the cross, surrounded by mockers and mourners. 


Three days later, this self-described ‘super model’ participated in the public uncrowning of the woman who was declared the winner of the Mrs. World contest, and now herself faces a storm of criticism for her aggressive and unseemly conduct, including a police summons. 


The criticism from all quarters, of both the supermodel and the outgoing Mrs. World, has focused on their conduct and what a crude and stark contrast it was to the elegance and social gracefulness the title holder is meant to embody. 


Social media has crucified the two beauty queens, and the lady they uncrowned has been reinstated. Sri Lankans are mortified that the incident makes us seem like a joke to the rest of the world. All the great achievements of Sri Lankan scientists, writers, artists, academics, legal and medical professionals, architects and engineers are temporarily overshadowed. 


I was told by a friend who was herself part of the fashion and beauty industry in Sri Lanka that it is a ‘very worrying situation... As many are not aware.. See all those international pageants that are organized are really to showcase our country. Yes it provides many opportunities for the winner too, but when the winner bags the main event and brings the crown home, it is a Winning Moment for the country. The name and image of the country is right on top (just like our cricket matches). The crown and title then become the property of the country until the next time. 


So the Mrs. World International crown and title for 2019 belong to Sri Lanka. In 1984, the inaugural Mrs. World pageant was held, and the winner was Rosy Senanayake. She was the first-ever Mrs. World, and hence she is highly regarded internationally.’ 


The crude and aggressive way the crown was placed on the head of the winner, then removed and casually transferred to the first runner up resulted, we are told, in head injuries. I could not help thinking of the crown of thorns which had been mockingly placed on the head of Jesus, in the crucifixion event commemorated just a few days before. 


Observing the tirades directed at the outgoing Mrs. Sri Lanka, we can see that many are shocked at the contrast between her beautiful and elegant physical appearance and her damaging and disturbing personal conduct at this event. There are high expectations of good conduct by those we call queens. 


Misogynists were in their glory, commenting on the pancake makeup and artificial and homogenic appearance of the finalists, saying they look like female impersonators rather than women, and mocking the incident as a ‘brawl’ and a ‘cat fight’ between women competing for the attention of society, ironically participating in their own reduction to the level of objects. 


Within minutes, the two women who uncrowned the declared winner became memes, the object of mockery throughout the country. 


Sri Lanka has an opportunity at this excruciating moment to re-evaluate the way we build people up and then tear them down, whether it is international athletes, opera singers, supermodels or elected leaders. The world as a whole has the chance to consider what beauty contests mean, and what relevance values of competitiveness sourced in physical attributes have in the modern, post feminist world. 


Several past winners of national and international honors for beauty have spoken out about the importance of the dignity, elegance and finesse the beauty Queen is supposed to represent. The current national conversation could restrain itself from compulsively trashing the demonised duo - and seek to reconstruct the foundations of the next pageant before the upcoming annual event, at which the incoming Mrs. World will have to preside, with her first runner up, Queen for a day, ready to stand by if needed. 


Beauty of face and figure should be in harmony with integrity of moral and ethical conduct. And this is an alignment requirement that we should apply to all those in the public eye, men and women, whose conduct should be irreproachable. We should require the highest standard of behaviour from those who are privileged to embody these virtues for us, and who preside over our social rituals in a place of honor we have given them. 


Our public role models - politicians, officials, senior administrators,  CEOs, chairpersons - public figures of all kinds - should behave in ways that we as a community can admire, with accountability, courtesy and dignity and respect for others being consistently evident in their conduct. We don’t want to see stories of scandals, questionable actions and unbecoming behaviour when we Google the names of our national dignitaries and title holders. It’s not a joke. It’s a tragedy. 


I created a hashtag last year for #srilankanexcellence. Every story about every person whose words and actions show they are contributing in real terms to the positive progress of the country will be tagged on social media. I hope there will be many and diverse entries in that category. 


We need to restore our good name, and it won’t be done by augmentation and the mere putting on of a show. It’s time for much more than a makeover.

Touch And Go

Image credit: Oprah.com


Think of the hundreds and thousands of people we encounter during the course of our lives. If we have a transactional view of life, we probably only register the  people who have exchanged significant material things and experiences with us. 


The people who we have married, or dated for several years, or had children with; the people who taught us, and employed us, and mentored us are in a special category of value. Every person has these valued categories in their life experience. 


But when we look at the incidents that form the basis of legal cases for harassment, assault and other kinds of violation, we see that sometimes people have misjudged the behavior that is appropriate towards people they did not consider significant. They treated these people carelessly, negligently and without respect. And people they arrogantly classified as ‘background’ or ‘temporary’ or ‘a perk of the job’ became more significant than was comfortable, because they were mishandled.


Human beings often show patterns and iterations in their behavior. As young people, we act on impulse, and make mistakes in the way we relate to the society around us and the people we meet. Over time, we develop routines which work for us, whether they are related to food or emotional fulfillment or sexual gratification or power acquisition or health maintenance or wealth creation. 


As individuals, each of us has a certain style of doing the things we do to get the things we need: power dressing, driving, ordering a meal at a cafe or restaurant, how we interview a client or deal with an incoming telephone call. 


That is why we are unsurprised to note that a movie production mogul now jailed on a number of charges of sexual assault and rape shows a discernible pattern in all the accusations made against him. The young women he summoned to meet him to discuss their career advancement were almost without exception 22 or 23 years old. The way he approached them, and leveraged his power against them, was very much a routine. Nothing could really have shown more clearly how normalised this objectification had become to him than the unvarying details recounted by each person who had survived an encounter with him. His methods were akin to the primal courtship rituals of the silverback gorilla. 


At a less global level than Mr. Weinstein, we become aware of politicians and corporate executives in highly placed positions in private and public organisations, armed with stellar professional profiles, whose power abuses are not on public record, but whose unofficial behavior also shows a pattern in the way they treat young women in their organizations, who are not in a position to hold them accountable. 


Mr. Weinstein brought discredit to his own company, which was responsible for producing some marvellous films in Hollywood over the past two decades. The politicians and executives have ego walls and highlight reels of their achievements which can be Googled. 


What all these people have in common is intense ego and entitlement, which has enabled them to demand service and compliance from those they perceive to be lower than they are in a hierarchy. The system in which their habits have been formed has fed this sense of self. They are frequently retained in their positions, despite the complaints made about their unprofessional conduct to HR Departments or investigating authorities, because their professional work brings in so much money to their company or institution. 


Blind eyes are turned towards them, and candid scrutiny of their behaviour is scrupulously avoided. 


Now many young women have smart phones at hand, however, this conduct can be recorded on video and audio. Reading transcripts of recorded encounters people have had with these types of men is a revelatory documentary of these predatory routines they have developed over time. 


In a patriarchal society, misogyny underlies most of the prevalent belief systems about women, both within private institutions and in the public sector. The young women who are forced, for their self protection, to keep detailed records of every inappropriate form of conduct against them, are seen as targets of attention in their workplace by their superior, and isolated. They are often believed by their colleagues to be encouraging this attention, to further their careers. The predators routinely target the prettiest women - the ones they obviously see as ‘trophy’ conquests, regardless of the personal circumstances or marital status of these women. Because appearances are all important to their egos, and the way they themselves are perceived by their male colleagues. 


These days, people in charge of Human Resources and Personnel departments in large companies are sometimes women. This is because women supposedly specialize in ‘soft skills’, and - in the era of trending fempowerment - it looks good to have an ‘empowered’ female at the helm of the all-male retinue of deployment. Especially women who know how to endorse the company line and enhance its image. Particularly on International Women’s Day, when the in house promotional movies for the company are made. These individuals given power in male-dominated organisations are presumed to be empathic, particularly if they are wives and mothers. ‘Multitasking superwomen’. But are they likely to question those that have supported their own rise to power? What limits are placed on them? What disincentives to challenge the majority? When cultural conformism and obedience to hierarchies enforce a bystander mentality? 


What decisions have been made by these people, whose job it is to cover up and conceal, and minimize the wrong conduct they observe, to micromamanage moral disaster, behind the sheen of the public facade, and whose actions affect the career paths and self worth of their fellow human beings? Over time, do these questionable decisions start to change the alignment of their features? Does the distortion that is taking place in their values eventually, inevitably, show in their faces? Do they start to emanate an unpleasant aura, which no amount of scented air freshener can diminish? Even in the rarefied realms of the air conditioned offices on the highest floors of the towers of shining concrete and metal in which they are ensconced? 


Human courtship at its best requires finesse, elegance and moral sincerity - not cookie cutter crudity and an attitude more fitted to  the operator of a conveyor belt in a factory committed to mass production. If ever there was an area and an era where the glorious specificity of romantic attention was required, surely that time is now. 


But not in the workplace. Despite the fact that these high powered people dress up and assume their best selves for 15 to 17 hours of every day. Despite the close proximity they have to the best selves of others, under the aegis of their institution, working together for a joint purpose - although at markedly different pay levels. Despite the fact that walking into a realm where they are so highly regarded must be like immersing themselves daily in a hot tub of low key, sudsy admiration and respect, which stimulates their self esteem to the point where they regularly override the boundaries of respect for the dignity of others. 


Like an addict, the perpetrators over time need more and more intense levels of intake of their chosen drug to replicate the high. 


It’s high level, not eye level.