Monday, August 24, 2026

The Side Eye

When I joined an international service organisation a few years ago, I was interviewed by two older men. They praised me for my CV, and asked me if I was married. The question took me by surprise. I asked if being married was a prerequisite for joining such an organisation. They said no. They stopped short of asking me why I was not married.

In the years since, it has become obvious that the married status is increasingly seen not only as a status symbol, but as a form of virtue signalling. It means you are capable of making commitments, at least in words. Whether your subsequent actions illustrate your vows is another matter entirely.

I believe it’s been in the last 10 years that side chickery started torpedoing the credibility of the Good Ship Happy Ever After. Some women make a career out of it. And then even monetize the advice they give, cloaked in not invisibility, but hypocrisy and the glamour of instafame.

Sadia Khan, the ‘relationship expert’ who has ridden the wave of celebrity for the past few years, has recently been exposed for being allegedly less than high calibre in her personal dealings with men who were spoken for. It is difficult to discern what really went on through the roar of public censure and outrage, and the scratchy sound of the audio that was recorded by the fiancĂ©e of the man she was boasting about being preferred by, and the adulterous event all happened a couple of years ago, but there seems to be a very large gap between appearance and reality, where her ‘value’ is concerned.

Why keep using the word ‘value’? She has often used the term ‘high value’ to describe the kind of woman she visually embodies, and the kind of high net worth men that such women attract. In the chaos of the world today, she seemed to offer certainty and wisdom and clarity, to her many followers.

She seems to identify with Red Pill incels who decry women and their strategic attempts to capture wealthy men. She teaches courses to men, to embolden them to draw women of high value to them. She has basically been playing both sides of the gender wars.

Her beauty and charm make her a pleasure to look at. Some find the way she speaks very pleasant. I personally found that her somewhat rough accent contrasted with her smoothened facade. But where she really grated on my sensibilities was when she started exhibiting narcissistic exceptionalism on an epic scale.

By this, I mean, she appears to think she is above the rules by which most human beings conduct their lives. She has this belief in common with many men of high net worth, from Heads of State to corporate princes. The kind of entitled scions who have mistresses and think of themselves as royalty. The men incels wish they were. Alpha men, who subscribe to the hierarchical scales of external worth and value she promotes. Her appearance and presentation have clearly opened many doors for her. She scales herself a 10/10, and competitively measures herself against other women to their detriment. She’s a woman succeeding and excelling - temporarily - in a man made world. Often her statements about women are sneering and mocking. She wants to distance herself from victims and losers. She plays to win. She not only dresses but positions herself for success. At least, that is probably what she would tell her clients.

The trouble with insta famous people is that their credentials are often faked. They say in interviews that they did such and such a degree, or hold such and such a qualification, but when these claims are investigated, they often evaporate in smoke.

They can claim to invent innovative and effective ways of testing human blood, appear on Forbes lists as wunderkinds, or tell people they are heiresses while skipping out of paying their hotel bills, but their stories wear thin, and exposure is inevitable. All the superlatives and the grandiosity set them up for a big fall.

In the case of Sadia Khan, the value she brought to the table, in terms of advice to people regarding how to conduct themselves to maximise their self fulfillment is now somewhat diminished. The audio that is circulating through the very channels and sites that made her famous is very graphic, showcasing a vulgar, brazen crudeness not only of language but of mindset that is in strong contrast to her cultivated, soft, feminine public demeanor. She speaks in the audio not like a refined lady, but like a slapper or a bully boy. It is quite a shock to hear it.

It makes me wonder about celebrity personality cults, and the insidious effects of uncertified influencers. In their virile eagerness to seize their moment, they sometimes display what should not be seen, to court the infamous algorithm and monetize their appeal. Their ambition carries them beyond the parameters of self restraint and mass relatability and into outlier territory.

The fact is, the value of being the second choice of a person who cannot even honour their own marriage or engagement vows is a very low calibre place to hold. There are plenty of rationalizations side chicks or side pieces can indulge themselves with, but it’s still a far cry from the higher love they presumably feel they should receive. Love is not just a commodity, whatever the dating apps and Only Friends may suggest.

To commit adultery and call it feminism (or even anti-feminism) or simply demonstrating one’s excessive desirability by promiscuity and poaching on other people’s territory is still a degradation of the vows made by other people to each other. Saying you are preferred by someone who is promised elsewhere is a pretty fractured way of manufacturing self worth.

We live in a multiverse now, and that means we should be more careful whose spheres we collide with, and what roles we play in those realms.

The Day We All Looked Up The Dictionary

This last week, we have seen extraordinary interest shown in one word used in a letter apparently written by the President of the Bar Association of Sri Lanka to the current Leader of the Opposition, dated the 19th of August. This letter was shared in full by News First on their news platform and has been widely shared and commented about on social media.
 
This letter has caused a great amount of discussion, and many news outlets and media platforms have commented on the use of the word ‘threat’ in the third paragraph.

Was this a typo? Did the President of the BASL use the word intentionally; or did he intend the word ‘thereat’?

‘Thereat’ is actually a real word, meaning ‘At that place’, ‘At that time’, or ‘For that reason’. It would make sense in the context of this letter.

In actual fact, either word would make sense. And so the reaction to the apparent confusion is very interesting.

The general clear communication rule is that if the overall meaning of a letter or speech or text is clear, then any typo which occurs in it is relatively insignificant. In my opinion as a professional editor, the letter in consideration clearly meets the criteria for overall clarity, and effectively communicates the writer’s message.

If the word ‘thereat’ was intended, there is an argument for Plain Legal Language which could be used in Sri Lanka, where English has not been the dominant language for decades.

But any writer should be given fair chance to clarify their meaning, if there is indeed any confusion on the part of the recipients. So attempts to accuse and interrogate the writer of various errors and deficiencies of knowledge or understanding based on the use of this one word are clearly disproportionate.

This disproportionate response can only be said to be based not on a desire to enforce rules of grammar that no one in the comments threads on social media have given any thought to for decades, but on other wishes, which (we would be justified in speculating) are probably not being put forward in good faith.

I suggest that we should all be wary of any attempts to try to discredit the legal institutions in the country, which have a track record of safeguarding citizens in recent years.

It is irresponsible of news outlets to use sensationalist and derogatory headlines and mocking perspectives to undermine the standing of not only the legal professionals concerned in situations like this, but the legal system which they have taken oaths to uphold.

I see certain individuals on social media attempting to encourage the public to hold in derision members of the legal profession, and the profession as a whole; and while fair comment and request for clarification is definitely permitted in a democracy, what is going on right now seems to me to be politicised and tainted by bias.

Eroding public confidence in the legal institutions of a country is a very counterproductive thing to do. Politicians in past regimes have not wanted their own authority undermined, and have moved to criminalize any dissent or questioning of their actions on the part of the public. Citizens get jailed for being perceived as critiquing the national religion or holding the images associated with GoSL in disrespect. Their only recourse is to turn to members of the legal profession to uphold their rights. If they now participate in eroding the respect and dignity of the legal profession, who will stand to protect them when their own rights are interfered with?

For this system of checks and balances to work as it should, respect for Justice should be maintained, and with that goes respect for the legal officers who work in the legal systems, independent of government interference. For this respect to be given, the lawyers must maintain the highest standards of professional conduct themselves. If members of any legal profession are seen as bought or owned or intimidated or interfered with by any government, they can no longer be respected. The same goes for the media, which used to be called the ‘Fourth Estate’. Once journalists start using their columns to act as apologists for any political party, they lose objectivity and respect. In Sri Lanka, social media has a great deal of impact, and those especially with large followings who are expressing opinions and asking questions should be seen to be doing so for good reason. Anyone with over 2,000 followers is presiding over a voting bloc.

It is quite easy for a person to genuinely believe they are acting in the public good, and speaking truth to power, and holding organizations accountable. But that belief must translate into action. And every action in the social media and journalism space occurs in the form of words.

We hear a great deal about rights in this fractious world of ours. But I believe that understanding our responsibilities is equally important. Citizens while exercising our rights to express our thoughts and beliefs, have a responsibility to also use critical thinking, and be as well informed as possible; and this applied mindfulness will result in better governance. If we all follow the crowd and say whatever comes to mind in any given moment, and suspend our judgment due to bias, we will become useful idiots, and mere instruments used by opportunistic agents for their own purposes rather than free, independent thinkers.

Creating Self Worth In A World Which Devalues Women


I was recently invited to give a presentation to the young Interactors of a Ladies College in Colombo, online and via Zoom. The topic centred on how society trivializes and dismisses women, and how we can recognise and navigate this challenge successfully.

I started by thanking the young ladies for the honour extended to me, to address them. And I said that, when the President of the Interactors Club was introducing me, she had focused on my achievements and career accolades. But that this is not what society does. I would be asked how old I was, how much I weighed, and my size and shape and skin colour and tone and the condition of my hair would be scrutinized. This is the frustrating reality that women experience.

We are judged on how we look. And measured by beauty standards we had no part in creating. However, there is a remedy for this! It is not in adjusting to society’s standards. But in developing our own moral compass.  And then persistently requiring society to adjust to us. Over the next hour and a half, we poured scorn on society’s superficial standards of judgment. And critiqued Imposter Syndrome and the Golden Ratio of Facial Beauty. We also called out ageism in its relation to beauty standards. I will elaborate on the points that were made in this discussion, here.

1. The truisms we are told about ourselves as girls and young women are very often not true. We are told these things to mobilize us to behave in ways which disempower us. I urged self-reflection, self-awareness and scepticism towards the advertising and marketing industry around us. They profit from telling us there is something wrong with us, so they can sell us products and services that we really do not need.

2. I urged the girls to develop a long term view of the development of their character. Not to believe what society tells us, that we peak at 23. It helps if we understand that we unfold over time, like everything in nature. Maturity as a person often comes in our 40s. Choices made without insight and self awareness early on in our life can lead to a distortion of our life path. The twenties and thirties are the time we invest in our education and our self development, intellectually and professionally. It is the foundation of our lives. We need to be aware, not distracted, and misdirected.

3. We noted the recent rise in racist ideology and white supremacist jargon, associated with the international politics of the last decade in particular. And how this aversion to melanin affected how South Asian girls see themselves. Colour shaming can be both subtle and brazen. Eurocentric beauty standards fail to encompass the diversity of our skin tones and textures, often curvier body shapes and distinctive facial features. The range of golds, ochres, browns and dark tones in South Asian skin is absolutely mesmerizing. We need to value this.

4. The pornographic material accessible today online by young men and boys raises the issue of the sharp rise in pornographic and sexualised content to which our male peers are exposed, on the era of the internet. Be aware that when girls and women interact with boys and men whose minds are saturated with these images, the way we dress and behave often seem to them to play into and reinforce these stereotypes. We need to be aware of this, because it affects the way we are perceived. And this perception results in the objectifying and insulting behaviour to which we can sometimes be subjected.

5. Young girls in mainstream society are being told that provocative self exposure, and in particular presenting their bodies as sexualised objects on public platforms, will bring them positive attention. Influencers with augmented facial and body features and Only Fans ‘content creators’ and sex workers performing desirability and playing into people’s fetishes or preferences often present highly filtered and manipulated images of themselves. Lips are filled, breasts and butts are lifted, skin is stretched. Age defying means artificially creating a facsimile of youth and mirroring an image of desirability. These models are not positive or empowering ones for us to follow. The attention gained by this kind of self presentation is short term, and reductive of us in the long run, and diminishes our credibility.

6. Young women’s appearance is ultra emphasized in mainstream culture; and whole industries are built on selling products and procedures to women to influence them to alter and manipulate their appearance to fit a norm. This norm is easily recogniseable because it correlates with the period of biological desirability which we experience in our late teens and early twenties. At this time, due to our hormonal levels, we have glossy, lustrous hair, bright eyes, a clear, glowing complexion, and shiny nails white pink nail beds and white nail tips. We are told that we should try to look like this via every chemical means available to us, for the rest of our lives. Because - apparently - this is the ‘best time of our life’. When young, we want to be admired and appreciated and loved, we love the attention we get, and the feeling of being observed with admiration by others. We are willing to invest a lot of time and money to feel the pleasure of those feelings. We believe that this is the pinnacle of our experience, the time when we are most ‘powerful’ because we are most desired. This makes us vulnerable to manipulation. This message is so often repeated through advertising and the behaviour of others that we come to believe that the age of 23 is the best age to be.

7. But is it? A life fully lived encompasses several eras. Physical beauty is only one aspect of our existence. If we locate all our happiness in that short period of time, we are bound to lose our joy as we mature. Ageing is a natural process, and it is also humbling. We are more subject to illness and stress as we get older. It is foolish and arrogant to try to defy it or disguise it. Mental, intellectual, psychological, emotional and spiritual development result in a deepening evolution of our character and personality that is not available to us in our early years, and that only emerges from life experience. The thirties and forties and fifties and sixties and seventies and eighties each yield their treasures, and have their high points, and bring lasting happiness in a way that being complimented for our looks for a short time cannot really match.

8. Short cuts and quick fixes for our complexions and experimentations with our hair colour can cause lasting damage to us. The chemicals we apply onto our skin and our hair add up over time and have toxic effects. The skin lightening products are dangerous; surgical procedures are expensive and also dangerous and irreversible; Ozempic etc and other rapid weight loss products are not even properly tested, and can cause psychological problems, and the list goes on.

9. In Question Time, some of the girls said they felt trivialized and frustrated by the way they are treated in society. How come men get all the attention and respect, and get to decide the path of their lives for themselves, while girls and women have to do as they are told? I said we can recognise the injustice and make sure we see ourselves as the ones who have the choice. We choose how we want to present ourselves authentically in the world. Not to conform and look like everyone else, but celebrate our individuality. We decide not to make shallow personal choices. We do not present ourselves as ornaments, toys or playthings. We present ourselves as whole beings, with all our aspects of character fully showcased. To find soul mates, we need to access and develop our soul, beyond our appearance and external self. We should, for example, select our friends and partners for non superficial reasons, not because they are good looking or charming or popular. But because of their ethics and their values, their qualities of character. We are best off being selective and discerning in our choices and in our conduct. Not to impress anyone, but in order to self-create a fulfilling life.

10. Basically, we need to start thinking in the long term, from a young age, and build our future on a commitment not to another person but to developing our own character. God made us each unique, with a unique contribution to make. Let’s recognise our individuality and celebrate that, and expand that, and understand that when other people measure us, they often fail to recognize our full worth. Some who make critical comments to young people are frustrated and jealous, as they lacked the opportunities that young people have today. So let’s see that for ourselves, and experience the excitement of that discovery in all we do. We need to understand that it is we who have the power of choice. Not to scare anyone, but in personal relationships women biologically are uniquely given this choice, to discern and to select. It is our choice of partner that determines the quality of future generations and the whole human race. Red Pill incels are activated by rage about this, because they understand what even apparently casual rejection by a woman means for them and their sense of value. It is not women who are seen as Unmarriageable, it is men who are actually afraid of being Unchosen.

‘High value’ does not mean how much money we earn or inherit. In terms of self worth, high value means self respect and personal coherence and integrity. Therefore, in our lives, wherever we have choice, we should appreciate each opportunity and use it well. The choices we make determine the quality of our life. It is worth taking that choice in our own hands, and taking our time to make each choice a good one, a better one, the best.

Fives And Sevens Plus Mandatory Dogs

I somehow grew up missing out on an essential aspect of childhood experience: The Five Find-Outers (and Dog) by Enid Blyton. I had read all The Famous Fives, and Secret Sevens, and Malory Towers, and the Naughtiest Girl books (my favourite). But their formulaic nature led me to lose interest after a while, and categorize them as holiday reading. And move into the darker bookscapes of Fantasy and Science Fiction.

However, recently, a friend said the Find-Outers were his favourite books growing up, and I was able to access the audio recordings of all 15 books. And they were the best, in terms of characterisation, in terms of character arcs, group dynamics, evocation of setting and incident, and also a highly entertaining mandatory dog, this one called ‘Buster’, a jet black Scottish Terrier so vividly described I can almost hear him growl when I read the words on the page. 


I say ‘mandatory’ because every childhood book by Enid Blyton - and Tintin and Asterix - contains a dog friend. Snowy and Dogmatix are also terriers, if I’m not mistaken. And in childhood, however urbanized and airbrushed and neatly contained and put together we are today, we roamed gardens and woods and lanes in our respective villages and towns, unafraid and unmolested.

Recently, a video taken on a phone showing a little girl from rural Sri Lanka carrying a large cat in her arms and being doggedly followed by an affectionate Sri Lankan porcupine through muddy fields, has gone viral. Artists have rendered the image from many different countries, and their versions are very telling of the way people from all cultures respond to this picture.

Both the little girl in this version and the porcupine have a frangipani flower behind their ear. The porcupine’s quills are blunted and modified. The girl’s skin colour is lightened, her hair is made more luxuriant, and the teeth which are missing in real life are modified. In fact, the porcupine is given a tooth. We see this because all three friends are smiling. They are roaming not precariously in real life through muddy fields of water, but through verdant green fields and bountiful, over-arching trees. Everyone looks well-nourished, happy and content. The sky is blue, and there are fluffy, puffy clouds in the sky. Everything is softened.

I believe we all respond to this adorable vista so positively because as adults we are stressed and we are starved. Stressed by our city-bound pedestrian lives, and starved of connection and innocence and a sense of freedom and belonging that many of us felt in childhood. Estranged too from the natural world and the simple life, where, as children, we could explore the world in a tactile and intensely sensory way, be curious and engaged, without fearing for our safety, or finding ourselves in situations which threaten our bodies or our souls.

Adults existed on the peripheries of this world. And they dispensed meals, advice, scoldings and praise as the children’s actions warranted. There was natural justice: robbers, thieves, and those engaged in nefarious activities were discovered, and rapidly brought to order. This was a golden world, where ‘Heaven lies about us in our infancy’, as Wordsworth said. Any breaches of the peace were temporary, and everyone concerned knew it.

The spontaneous joys of childhood, the pleasures of sensory connection, and nature itself are being packaged and sold to us tellingly as escapes and retreats. Having destroyed the natural environment, and the lives of many children, through commercialism and exploitation, we glorify the very things we have taken and used.

I remember being told once of countries where all the animals have been killed but the soft toy industry is booming. No birds sing over those industrialized skies.

In the Find-Outers, the children are sworn enemies of the local policeman, Mr. Goon, who is exasperated by their meddling and interfering. In all the books, the children are curious, intrepid, fearless and enthusiastic to discover what is going on under the smooth and placid surface of their local town. Together, they spy and stickybeak and mess with the nefarious activities of adults who are engaged in criminal activities. And all their midnight espionage activities seem to occur within a radius of about 100 metres. The Find-Outers early on impress Inspector Jenks, who has a high opinion of their skills, and this canny ability to go to the top and sidestep the middle management is very impressive.

Their life is full of colour and verve, and goes on underground, unknown largely by their parents, who are strict and respectable and law-abiding. And privileged. Everyone has maids and cooks. And aunts who come to afternoon tea, with sandwiches and cakes.

It is an insulated world. And that is what we remember, and what we are glorifying and what we yearn for, in the frankly chaotic and violent scenario we have to now negotiate as adults, full of natural disasters and manmade wars and famines and all the atrocities by which we are besieged in newspaper headlines and the 24/7 news cycle on TV and our smartphones.

It is nostalgic, yes, but it is also something more. It is slapstick. It is dodgem cars. It is rubber swords. It is bouncy castles. It is gentle relief for us, now, who are witnessing so much actual cruelty, heedlessness and suffering.

The archetype we are resonating with here is the Pre-Lapsarian world theory proposed by Northrop Frye. That in the world before human beings fell from grace, due to their ignorance, idiocy and greed, when they were closely connected to God, the Creator, that everything was good. There was no pain in childbirth, there was no disease or violence or cruelty or anything ugly or evil to make us cringe. We were aligned, and all was good. After the fall, the golden world became debased. Now we buy and sell and try to profit, now we suspect instead of trust, and we have to protect ourselves from the world around us.

Children have a tolerance we do not have, for oddness, eccentricity, wrinkled faces, larger sized bodies and imperfection. They have not yet learned to associate these human flaws with anything contemptible. Their inner GPS is strong and clear. For them, what they see is what it is. And they have their mandatory pets by their sides to guide them.

We don’t have to vicariously tap into those wonderful childhood memories, and attitudes, though. We can find those qualities in ourselves, through doing simple things like letting our senses guide us, and making choices based on how something or someone makes us feel, directly, without second-guessing or modifying our direct perceptions.

For example, one day recently a friend of mine and I were driving through an area called Arcadia in late summer. In that part of the world, people grow fruit, and the harvest was abundant that year. Roadside stalls were selling boxes of peaches and cherries. The two of us stopped and bought boxes of each, and the fragrance from the fresh fruit from the back of the car was literally too much for us.

We stopped the car by mutual agreement, and ate some of the fruit directly, so sweet, so pure, and it was one of the best experiences ever, for both of us. We didn’t have to even talk about that. We just knew it.

I somehow grew up missing out on an essential aspect of childhood experience: The Five Find-Outers (and Dog) by Enid Blyton. I had read all The Famous Fives, and Secret Sevens, and Malory Towers, and the Naughtiest Girl books (my favourite). But their formulaic nature led me to lose interest after a while, and categorize them as holiday reading. And move into the darker bookscapes of Fantasy and Science Fiction.

However, recently, a friend said the Find-Outers were his favourite books growing up, and I was able to access the audio recordings of all 15 books. And they were the best, in terms of characterisation, in terms of character arcs, group dynamics, evocation of setting and incident, and also a highly entertaining mandatory dog, this one called ‘Buster’, a jet black Scottish Terrier so vividly described I can almost hear him growl when I read the words on the page.

I say ‘mandatory’ because every childhood book by Enid Blyton - and Tintin and Asterix - contains a dog friend. Snowy and Dogmatix are also terriers, if I’m not mistaken. And in childhood, however urbanized and airbrushed and neatly contained and put together we are today, we roamed gardens and woods and lanes in our respective villages and towns, unafraid and unmolested.

Recently, a video taken on a phone showing a little girl from rural Sri Lanka carrying a large cat in her arms and being doggedly followed by an affectionate Sri Lankan porcupine through muddy fields, has gone viral. Artists have rendered the image from many different countries, and their versions are very telling of the way people from all cultures respond to this picture.

Both the little girl in this version and the porcupine have a frangipani flower behind their ear. The porcupine’s quills are blunted and modified. The girl’s skin colour is lightened, her hair is made more luxuriant, and the teeth which are missing in real life are modified. In fact, the porcupine is given a tooth. We see this because all three friends are smiling. They are roaming not precariously in real life through muddy fields of water, but through verdant green fields and bountiful, over-arching trees. Everyone looks well-nourished, happy and content. The sky is blue, and there are fluffy, puffy clouds in the sky. Everything is softened.

I believe we all respond to this adorable vista so positively because as adults we are stressed and we are starved. Stressed by our city-bound pedestrian lives, and starved of connection and innocence and a sense of freedom and belonging that many of us felt in childhood. Estranged too from the natural world and the simple life, where, as children, we could explore the world in a tactile and intensely sensory way, be curious and engaged, without fearing for our safety, or finding ourselves in situations which threaten our bodies or our souls.

Adults existed on the peripheries of this world. And they dispensed meals, advice, scoldings and praise as the children’s actions warranted. There was natural justice: robbers, thieves, and those engaged in nefarious activities were discovered, and rapidly brought to order. This was a golden world, where ‘Heaven lies about us in our infancy’, as Wordsworth said. Any breaches of the peace were temporary, and everyone concerned knew it.

The spontaneous joys of childhood, the pleasures of sensory connection, and nature itself are being packaged and sold to us tellingly as escapes and retreats. Having destroyed the natural environment, and the lives of many children, through commercialism and exploitation, we glorify the very things we have taken and used.

I remember being told once of countries where all the animals have been killed but the soft toy industry is booming. No birds sing over those industrialized skies.

In the Find-Outers, the children are sworn enemies of the local policeman, Mr. Goon, who is exasperated by their meddling and interfering. In all the books, the children are curious, intrepid, fearless and enthusiastic to discover what is going on under the smooth and placid surface of their local town. Together, they spy and stickybeak and mess with the nefarious activities of adults who are engaged in criminal activities. And all their midnight espionage activities seem to occur within a radius of about 100 metres. The Find-Outers early on impress Inspector Jenks, who has a high opinion of their skills, and this canny ability to go to the top and sidestep the middle management is very impressive.

Their life is full of colour and verve, and goes on underground, unknown largely by their parents, who are strict and respectable and law-abiding. And privileged. Everyone has maids and cooks. And aunts who come to afternoon tea, with sandwiches and cakes.

It is an insulated world. And that is what we remember, and what we are glorifying and what we yearn for, in the frankly chaotic and violent scenario we have to now negotiate as adults, full of natural disasters and manmade wars and famines and all the atrocities by which we are besieged in newspaper headlines and the 24/7 news cycle on TV and our smartphones.

It is nostalgic, yes, but it is also something more. It is slapstick. It is dodgem cars. It is rubber swords. It is bouncy castles. It is gentle relief for us, now, who are witnessing so much actual cruelty, heedlessness and suffering.

The archetype we are resonating with here is the Pre-Lapsarian world theory proposed by Northrop Frye. That in the world before human beings fell from grace, due to their ignorance, idiocy and greed, when they were closely connected to God, the Creator, that everything was good. There was no pain in childbirth, there was no disease or violence or cruelty or anything ugly or evil to make us cringe. We were aligned, and all was good. After the fall, the golden world became debased. Now we buy and sell and try to profit, now we suspect instead of trust, and we have to protect ourselves from the world around us.

Children have a tolerance we do not have, for oddness, eccentricity, wrinkled faces, larger sized bodies and imperfection. They have not yet learned to associate these human flaws with anything contemptible. Their inner GPS is strong and clear. For them, what they see is what it is. And they have their mandatory pets by their sides to guide them.

We don’t have to vicariously tap into those wonderful childhood memories, and attitudes, though. We can find those qualities in ourselves, through doing simple things like letting our senses guide us, and making choices based on how something or someone makes us feel, directly, without second-guessing or modifying our direct perceptions.

For example, one day recently a friend of mine and I were driving through an area called Arcadia in late summer. In that part of the world, people grow fruit, and the harvest was abundant that year. Roadside stalls were selling boxes of peaches and cherries. The two of us stopped and bought boxes of each, and the fragrance from the fresh fruit from the back of the car was literally too much for us.

We stopped the car by mutual agreement, and ate some of the fruit directly, so sweet, so pure, and it was one of the best experiences ever, for both of us. We didn’t have to even talk about that. We just knew it.

First, Second, and Third Worlds Are Changing Places!




We have all grown up being presented with certain sociocultural perceptions as if they were unassailable facts. For example, the idea of ‘First World’ nations, and ‘Third World’ nations, is a global classification which is supposedly based on economics and facts and figures. But recent events and political developments are showing a radically different picture which challenges these beliefs.

First World nations comprise the European settler/colonising nations, who, empowered by self-justifying beliefs of white supremacy, expanded their reach from the boundaries of their own relatively small countries to conquer other nations which were rich in resources. Portugal, Holland, Spain, France, Belgium, and England all used weaponry to enforce their status and assert their rights of exploitation over many countries and continents.

Their wealth today had its foundation on the labour of enslaved peoples and on mineral and agricultural resources which were taken over from the people of the colonised countries by violence, force and rapacious greed. The so called Great Exhibitions of the 19th century were giant displays of wonders from this pillaging. The movements towards Independence, and the Great Famines and Great Wars of the 20th century resulted in the displacement of millions of people as economic refugees.

Immigration has resulted in a forcible challenging of the concepts of First and Third Worlds. What we see now in the rise of what is euphemistically called Populism in countries like the U.K., the U.S.A and Australia, particularly focusing on calls for a limiting of what is termed mass migration and the fear of being overwhelmed by refugees, is a direct consequence of the historical injustices of the past. Multiculturalism threatens the idea that it is possible to retain control of the colour of a society: not only the skin colour of its citizens, but their political stripes, their religious beliefs, their dominant language, and their core values.

Colonisation was a form of vicious control of others who were different from its perpetrators, and monoculturalism in the name of social harmony is another form of retaining that control. Sri Lanka in this regard is actually shining bright in comparison with far larger and more self important nations. Despite three ingresses of colonisation, courtesy of the Portuguese, the Dutch and the British, and the colourism and class hierarchies and political tensions that have accompanied these invasions, there is a cohesion and a tolerance and a generosity between communities in this small island that makes it vibrant in its diversity.

Viharas, temples, mosques and churches co-exist, and despite the regular playing of the majoritarian politics during election cycles of the predictable short term profits that arise from polarizing the minorities, people have lived respecting each other and each other’s beliefs. Peace and reconciliation workers in particular have done a great deal to raise awareness of the need for empathy, for dignity, for valuing of the differences in others. And the younger generation are showing themselves to be more educated and literate about other cultures, and more open to the customs and social traditions of those other than the ones they have experienced in their homes and communities.

We see this in the number of religious festivals the country celebrates each year, and the generosity of people in diverse neighbourhoods inviting those of other faiths to their feasts and celebrations, as welcome guests. The ‘ghetto mentality’ that people decry in other nations is not seen so much in this country, today. The currency has been repeatedly devalued, and the emigration of professionals from the country in response to the recent economic crisis has been disheartening.

But when one looks at the quality of life and real sense of community in Sri Lanka, it seems to be far better than what people are enduring in Britain or the USA. People in the so-called Third World have witnessed the erosion of capitalism, the class division, the rise of brazen elitism, and the socio-economic distress starting to be felt by the voting majority in the First World. Vulnerable classes of people are visibly suffering in countries which call themselves the beacon of democracy.

True sense of community comes from genuine co-existence and co-operation, which requires compassion and humility. Greed and individualism does not activate social harmony.

We in Sri Lanka, due to the multiple crises we have experienced, are less polarised, less reactive, more resilient and more focused than many countries. And we are starting to see that there is a vast and growing shift of global power as a result of decolonization. The very vociferous nature of anti-immigration rhetoric and its rise in the West shows the perceived success of so many people who have been able to find and create opportunity amidst dire circumstances and challenging conditions.

But it must be opportunity and access for all. Recently, one of the country’s most renowned schools sought to ban the wearing of head coverings for women, preventing mothers collecting their sons from school or participating in parent/teacher meetings. This has led to complaints being made, of discrimination against the Muslim community. After the Easter Attacks in 2019, the rise in anti-Muslim feeling was noticeable, and it was met with campaigns against hate speech in social media, and concerted efforts by activists and community leaders.

https://themorningtelegraph.com/45171/

South Asians as a whole focus on education, and many do their utmost to ensure that they and their families have access to opportunities for not only employment but self growth: prosperity in every sense. Entitlement and grievance make a noise, but are often all hot air, talk and no action; and quality and calibre will always show themselves in contrast to be valuable cultural assets. Living at a lesser standard in a so called First World country, enduring racist attitudes, distrust, suspicion and micro-aggressions, is often eclipsed completely today by the prospects offered by one’s country of birth.

We can retain the positive aspects of our culture - the warmth, the humanity, the love of social life - in a way that a wholesale pursuit of economic growth has not achieved in the West, where social isolation and loneliness are on the increase.

The classism in this country is in many ways a consequence of colonial imposition, but also based on culturally learned bias against race and religion. A truly multicultural society with a majority ethnic group dominating the positions of power will not allocate second tier status to any minority citizen. Through recognition of equal rights and individual merit, through commitment to inclusive policies and active participation, through open mindedness and setting aside of attitudes of inherited entitlement, the society can progress and thrive.

The long illustrated and collectively disheartening experience of citizens - that prominent, corrupt and connected individuals are somehow not accountable in the same way that other citizens are - is now being challenged. Everyday administrative processes such as utilities payments and support for households are actually improving, despite the orchestrated comments from paid nay sayers on social media.

Sri Lanka can, by developing its human resources, making its administrative infrastructures more efficient, developing English as a link language which will act as a bridge to international employment opportunities which can be accessed without leaving the country, making itself a magnet to investors, and expanding its support systems to encourage its citizens, really become resplendent again. I see with joy the national pride expressed whenever talented local athletes, scientists, writers and scholars, beauty queens and artists achieve international recognition. Sri Lankans have great creativity and talent in a number of fields of excellence. Until recently, the fracturing effects of civil war and conflict and the debilitating impact of corruption and abuse of the vulnerable have been endured as if there was no solution or remedy that could be sought.

Social media has shown its ugly side in this country in outbursts of hate speech and splintering discourse over the years. But it can also be a powerful instrument of positivity, if used consciously to illuminate the best of which we are capable. Is there a ‘Second World’? A world which is not colonising and exploitative, and also not embattled and exploited? Not a predator, and not prey? But an empowered global participant? Can we create and inhabit that world? It can be the best of both worlds, and of all possible worlds.

We have been described by spokespeople from the ‘First World’ over the years as underdeveloped and developing, but we can all see as their empires have been dismantled and their populations divided that their experiments have not worked out well for them. I suggest that a society which seeks to develop itself wholistically will always succeed. It will take time, but every step will be taken in the direction of prosperity and happiness.

Sunday, August 23, 2026

Special Treatment



I write this in a period when the country and the world is in transition. The late renowned journalist John Pilger created a documentary film called ‘The New Rulers Of The World’, about 20 years ago. My students and I studied it together in Globalisation courses. As the title of his documentary film suggests, he theorises that the old feudal societal system of the Middle Ages, which had been softening into what we called Democracy, was now being broken down into a new elitism, dominated by increasingly conscienceless and violently money hungry individuals.

Social inequality was entrenched, notions of social justice and equity were broken down, and brutal demarcations of power and powerlessness were now becoming the new norm. Underclasses were now being created to be exploited, and human worth was no longer seen as intrinsic, but was now comparatively assessed. Some humans were deemed more valuable than others.

People started talking openly about privilege and entitlement, and being humbled and feeling grateful for the same, about ten years ago. Noticeably, those blessed with most of these endowments, including inherited property and recently created offshore bank accounts, were the most quiet about them, and the most egalitarian in their politics, the most publicly cultivated in their tastes, and the most philanthropic in their assiduous virtue signalling.

Amidst this new socio economic calibration rose a repellant and very recogniseable category of people: those adjacent to powerbrokers, those who opportunistically court and fawn on the old feudal aristocrats and the new money makers. Parasites, fattening themselves via contacts and connections and whatever crumbs they could collect from the tables of their big name buddies. The rent-a-crowdsters, the seat fillers. Those attracted by terms like ‘high end’ and ‘high worth’ and ‘high value’.

By their name dropping you will know them: because, coming from relatively unmonied backgrounds, they thirst and hunger to create the impression of what they imagine privilege to look like. Brand names are brazenly displayed, bling is prominent, they are desperate to be seen in the society pages. Their resumes and CVs are short on substance, and in many cases concocted or faked. Because they cannot bear feeling inadequate, they openly say that formal qualifications do not amount to very much. The name of the institution of education is just a brand stamp to them. They assume everyone really feels the way they do. That no one truly has real inherent worth, and life is just a hall of mirrors.

Scammers and teledrama queens. Victim mentality giving way like sink holes under their facial reconstruction procedures.

This is the ‘Fake It Till You Make It’ brigade. They would not know what to do without their little band of followers, who are required to regularly bolster their fragile self image. They boast about knowing important people, who do favours for them. Like puffer fish, amplifying their actual size, in a hostile world.

But ironically, as the world is changing, such antics are becoming increasingly ridiculous. People who take short cuts are now being seen not as cool or clever but lazy and greedy, and when they boast about disrespecting the systems and being above the laws of the land, their gross sense of narcissistic exceptionalism shows not the superiority they imagine, but reeks of actual inferiority.

Their jobs are sinecures, gained through personally knowing so and so, and coming from such and such a family, and so whatever profession required sincere effort or actual exertion was too much work for them. So they never knew the transformative experience of having a true vocation, or of working towards anything other than self enrichment. They are colossally little, in the end, and their legacy is a reverberating reel of repetitive selfies.

These kinds of people are super fatted in every sense. They mimic and they mime. They are like the smooth surface sheen on the top of a cyst. All the inflammation is pooled up and toxic inside. And when their masks fall, at points of tension or micro aggression, you see how atrophied they have become. No accountability and a delusional sense of immunity has eroded their empathy. Like acid, it has eaten away their residual humanity. They are disconnected from the hoi polloi, and they prefer it that way.

These are the people who boast of using contacts and connections to get certified vaccine certificates during the Covid pandemic, so they had the certificate to show without having had to take the vaccine. No protection needed, they thought, because they felt themselves to be extra special, and superhuman - and immune to the normal ailments that affected lesser people.

Death, the great leveller, is something they like to defy. It makes them feel outrageous, larger than life, to live while others die, to travel in comfort while others cannot, to jump queues while others faint from exhaustion. They see themselves as born exceptional: and if only everyone could recognise that, the world would match the ideal realm in their heads. All the grievances they carry come from this sense of the failure of others to recognise their superiority.

Their ideal realm is a world with plush red carpets rolled out, people ushering them through iterated archways with smooth surfaces and embossed augmentations. They worship notions of exceptionalism. It’s their religion. It’s Stone Age principles, wrapped in high end gloss. Remember that, when you see their big lippy mouths open in those carnivalesque smiles in the glossy magazines.

The norms they live by - ‘if no one can prove it, I did no wrong, you’d have to be stupid or naive not to work the system, people who play by the rules are fools’ - have become an ecosystem. Only very toxic plants thrive in it. Venus flytraps, and the like.

They divide the world into winners and losers, and everything is commodified: every relationship is transactional, to them. Enmeshed in a world of surfaces, simultaneously stagnant and superficial. If it was not for their pathological need to be admired, they would be invisible, if not quite immortal.

ColourBlind Casting


Over the past 25 years, we have seen many adaptations of Jane Austen’s novels, and the adaptations have in several cases been visually very confronting and challenging, for some viewers. I believe this trend started with the Miramax adaptation of Mansfield Park, released in 1999.

While this production did not cast people of colour in the main roles, or even in minor roles, it is the first production ever to have vividly illuminated the cruelty, objectification and exploitation of slavery, as part of colonialism and enrichment, as practised by Sir Thomas Bertram, owner of Mansfield Park, in a way which shocks the heroine, Fanny, who is the moral centre of the story.

The revelation of the sources of his wealth and status show the questionable ethical conduct of the patriarch of this family, and provide a context for the subsequent moral disintegration of his children, who all fall prey to forms of temptation and depravity, even Edmund, who is intimately redeemed only by his affection for Fanny.

In more recent years, we have seen the quasi Regency Shondaland confection, Bridgerton, on our screens, openly using the slightest of speculations regarding the genetic ancestry of an English queen as a framing portal to usher in women and men of African and Indian heritage into the story landscape, each with their colourful back stories.

This inclusiveness and diversification trend has extended into the 19thC production ‘The Gilded Age’, in which wealthy African American families are brought into connection by the story writers with the Anglo-European families of New York.

In Bridgerton, the scenes where the elder sister of the Sharma family, in Season Two, participates with her younger sister and mother in the saffron/ turmeric paste beautifying rituals traditionally used by Indian brides before the impending wedding ceremony are beautiful to see. The love story between Miss Sharma and the eldest son of the Bridgerton family is based on an ‘enemies to friends’ arc which is very believable, and in which contrasting skin colour is no barrier to the recognition of beauty and desirable character qualities.

This preference to bring characters together across social barriers was foreshadowed in Season One when the eldest Bridgerton daughter falls in love with the dark and handsome Duke, and their magnetic attraction to each other is intensely illustrated in their words and actions, inter alia as a celebration of their equality or at least equivalence of social status.

In Jane Austen’s adaptations, we have not seen any casting director go beyond the pale, and venture into colourblind casting. Elizabeth Bennet may be accused by the jealous Miss Bingley of having ‘brown’ skin, but (fortunately for all of us clutching our pearls) it is only ‘tanned’, which is ‘no great wonder, in the summer’.

Shakespeare’s work, in contrast, has been often performed with people of all hues and from all ethnic backgrounds in the principal roles, and recent performances of Harry Potter on the stage actually cast a black Hermione Granger. The author herself, in her description of the characters, never specified Hermione’s ethnic heritage, only stating that she had bushy hair, and it is clear that the prettiest girls in Hogwarts School were the Indian Patel twins, and the Chinese Cho Chang.

Bridgerton aside, this embracing of diversity in the film and stage productions of beloved books which are regarded as central to the English literary canon is a trend about which I have mixed feelings. The realities of colonisation and the assertions of white supremacists created a conceptual underclass, in which people of colour lived their lives as minor characters and in service to the central characters. And therefore, in the cultural products of those eras, artworks were created in which people of colour were erased, or invisible.

The comments sections of Jane Austen online groups is an interesting snapshot of our times.

‘Mansfield Park has, to my mind, the best TV Austen adaptation of all time: www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p04vfvpn via @bbciplayer

Impeccable costuming, wonderful casting, fidelity to the novel, understanding of the period, and no painful, anachronistic, ignorantly woke attempts to force every third character to be black or trans.’

Shoehorning people of colour into European landscapes is problematic. But what seems to really offend some people is the high status which these people of colour are afforded, in these fictional narratives. It is ‘anachronistic and painful’, because it clearly offends supremacist beliefs that people of colour could be so well established, so dignified, and elegantly costumed, and coiffured, and move as equals through gilded drawing rooms, and be centered in narratives instead of sidelined.

One of the worst and laziest equations ever made is the lumping together of minorities as second class citizens, seen as having lesser value: women, disabled people, trans people, people of colour and people exhibiting other forms of divergence from a standard of normativeness which is male, heterosexual and with skin containing less melanin, into the messy category of ‘different’, which to the minds of many is a euphemism for ‘deviant’. Women are not even a minority, statistically.

In Georgette Heyer’s novel, These Old Shades, the Duke of Avon’s sister has a black servant boy, called Pompey. The social mobility we are being shown in what I term Regency concoctions is wish fulfillment on the part of those who prefer a more colourful and equitable world, and have chosen to create it themselves, in fictional storytelling, reality falling far short of the way they clearly wish the world to be.

Colourblind casting on the one hand asserts the primacy of human personality, of intelligence and soul and emotion, as being more significant than external identifiers of race, colouring, facial features, hair type, physiognomy and body shape. In these contemporary performances, it is visually suggested that calibre, and content of character, is more important than the colour of a person’s skin. We relate to the characters on our screens as human beings, and we become interested and involved in their challenges and experiences as if they were real, and relatable.

However, in our identity obsessed world, it is also a form of false equivalence, and erasure of difference. We are not all human flat packs, culturally constructed the same. Our unique social and anthropological characteristics, and the cultural traditions in which we have evolved, are part of us.

The genders are different, and more diversely and subtly formulated these days. The actor who played the eldest Bridgerton son could not be more than a good friend to the lovely Miss Sharma, in real life.

This celebration of difference is at the heart of any union of human beings, whether personal in marriage, or political, in the form of nations. Tolerance is not a grudging recognition of someone else’s equivalent centre of self, but ideally, in a less threatened and defensive society, a more positive delight in multifoliate hues and difference.

In our excitable contemporary world, in which people find it difficult to do anything other than compete for territory and contest the most desirable sociocultural space to occupy, and the most compelling platforms on which to speak their truths, it is the reinterpretations of classic stories which portray to us the evolution of our species. Both in the bold steps forward, with the diversification of what we are now being shown as admirable and worthy, and the hue and cry (often muted, in genteel literary groups) that inevitably follows.

End Gaming

I have some advice to give: Make the most of what days are left to you. Find the work you most like to do, give away or sell what you no longer need, downsize and minimise your possessions - and expand your personal aspirations. No, this is not a late New Year post. It’s a suggestion, to detach yourself from everything that distracts you from happiness, or tries to substitute for it.

Tune down the noise and mute the most annoying of the people clamouring for your precious attention, be they influencers or even friends and associates. You will wake from a trance, induced by a surfeit of social media. Have you noticed how fashions rise and fade, but how certain preferences are consistently endorsed and normalized, in modern conduct books. Viral this and viral that. Beliefs originating from elsewhere, and seeded and dispersed like actual viruses, amongst us.

People using the same words, and threadbare phrases, and a dolorous sameness permeating the global discourse. We are being herded, everyone. Like the hapless wildebeest in The Lion King, with tech bro billionaires snapping at our heels to make us run. Echo chambers and digitized infomercials and product placement and saturation of our senses - and the manipulation of our consensus.

So we may not be living in an actual war zone, but it’s pretty clear that we - our minds, our beliefs and our perceptions - are under siege. Think back to about 15 years ago, and then 30 years ago, before the advent of social media. The first smartphone was released in the year 2000. Facebook was unrolled in 2004. Instagram in 2010. TikTok in 2016. We were told they were designed to build community. It’s now very obvious that these sites have been created to track us, and play us. And to corral us into voting blocs, being told what to think, how to interpret what is happening in the world around us, and that we need to ‘keep up’ with the updates, to stay alerted and notified. We actually do not. We are being gamed, and we are being played. We can step back, and step out and off the field. We can choose not to receive, and disconnect, and leave.

I ask: Is what we are digesting through words and images and audio material empowering us or disempowering us? Do we feel more confident and calm, or more anxious and troubled, by what we are being told and shown? What values are being endorsed? What images and conduct are being rewarded, on the flickering screens in front of us? Are we not being baited, driven and triggered? And kept in a constant state of volatile restlessness, boredom and dull acquiescence?

Do we understand how the world works? Do we accept that, not being physically present when various incidents occur, what we are being presented with is hearsay? Do we perceive the framing techniques that are used to convey narratives in a certain way, to ensure that the key points land on us with maximum impact? Whether it’s shock jocks on radio or controversial ‘journalists’ platforming misogyny, racism, anti-wokery and slavish worship of capitalism, on Sky News, X, etc., we are being served a stream of truisms, clichĂ©s, anxiety-fuelling material: provocations and prompts that are calculated to stir up emotive response and bypass our thinking process.

Critical thinking and lateral thinking are needed to remedy this learned passivity which makes us willingly receive - and even welcome - what actually harms us: all these programmes are the products of the same mentality. Ambush, hijack, assault people’s peace of mind, wear them down until they surrender, follow orders and do what they are told.

We do not see what people really are, only what they appear to be. Machiavelli said that, in one of the most famous books on power ever written. Now, with the immersive onslaught and saturation of AI, bots, deep fakes, and human impersonators of all kinds, we are being sold facsimiles of human feeling and experience. Do we know that a specific person actually said a certain thing? Or is it a replica? Is it an approximation? An attribution?

So much is derivative, and disconnected from a pulsing life force. The only energy being produced is the stimulus of fear and horror. How can we not respond with despair when presented with images of the results of human cruelty? But are they real? Is ‘the enemy’ really the enemy? Or the ‘ally’ truly an ally? Or is our adrenochrome being drained while we are still alive? We are like animals in a maze, being cynically trained to respond to fake stimuli! Our energy - our attention - our focus - our vitality - our commitment - our humanity - are being harvested. And we are being trained to actually participate in our own diminishment.

The democratization of media has flooded us with thoughts from people attempting to gain followings and subscribers. Algorithms and trends dictate what we are shown, like meals on airport trays, curated by an array of limited choices. For many months now, I have subscribed to various channels on multiple platforms to see what is happening in the world. Through an onslaught of pop ups and pornographic lures, it’s still pretty easy to see that there is nothing new going on.
And we are being desensitised, through systematic overloading of our capacities to process incoming data. Just jerking in response to stimuli, predictably and on cue. This is not being alive, or sentient. Have you noticed how short our attention spans are becoming? And how we feel a possibly intense response to a new situation briefly, and then it peaks and fades and we forget about it? Substituted by the next event? Are our responses even distinguishable from each other anymore? Can we even recall why we felt the way we did, at the time?

The most disturbing outcome is that everything starts to feel random, and arbitrary - as if it doesn’t matter whether we feel positive or negative about a person or an event. We could take either side, and it would not make any difference to any real world outcome. What we firmly believe to be true can be overthrown in a short period of time, when the facts we were relying on are proved to have been false - augmented or modified or otherwise faked. Being gaslit and told that something which horrifies us is fake news erodes our faith in our ability to discern true from false and friend from faux.

Remedy? Not tuning out, but tuning in - to a cleaner and higher frequency. We can do this. I suggest exiting the pernicious platforms. Those strident voices will go quiet. No FOMO will be felt. The great juggernauts will crash somewhere other than the peaceful place where you find yourself.

Friend Or Faux?

When we realise we need to simplify, clarify, downsize and declutter our lives, we naturally start with our material possessions. We sort everything into what needs to be repaired, or repurposed or gifted, or kept. And in the end, after a lot of dust, frustration, decision-making and stress, our lives become more enjoyable. The biggest single factor that interferes with this clarifying process is not laziness or inertia, but sentimental attachment. We hold onto things because they represent a certain time of our lives, and experiences which we want to remember. We may never look at these old trinkets or letters or souvenirs or floppy discs or whatever, but they are part of our life, even if they are just taking up space, and adding no value.

And we do the same to friendships.

However, with friendships, it is even more important to apply the golden rule of decluttering: ‘Have you interacted positively and meaningfully with this artefact/entity in the last year? If not, let it go.’ Because relationships that stagnate sometimes decompose, break down and become toxic. After all, they are organic and they are perishable: formed of energy that passes between two living beings. And if the interpersonal communication becomes shallow, one-sided, transactional or under-nourished, the bonds become false, and in fact untrustworthy, in a way our material possessions do not.

It’s a suspension bridge. And a weak connection means what is being conveyed from one side to the other is in danger of falling through the gaps. While often we overlook relationship red flags, and try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and tell ourselves that we are imagining things when the energy feels problematic or off, here is a helpful list of several clear signs that a friend has become faux:

1. They are constantly late, or frequently cancel or shift times when you arrange to meet. There’s always a reason for it, but it is chaotic, and disrespectful, and you are expected to understand that things are ‘just always really hard for them’. This indemnifies them from ongoing accountability. Why are they so reluctant to meet? What’s getting in the way of their timeliness?

2. They overshare their financial or accommodation troubles with you, and you increasingly feel compelled to try and help them in practical ways. This is a clue that they have identified you as a designated resource person.

3. They are competitive with you, often in petty and trifling ways. They don’t like it when they don’t do as well as you do in any amount of instances, whether major or trivial. Why did you get a good result in an online game, or a bargain at the sale, when they did not? They do not like it when your merit or authority is publicly recognised, even by a bot! They are very silent when you share any good news.

4. They do not really enjoy being present at any event where you or your work are being celebrated, recognised or praised. They might go to the extent of coming late to such an event, to avoid the speeches and just come to access the celebratory food, for example.

5. They echo you and affirm what you say, so you do not truly know what they really think. This chameleon behaviour is something to be noted. It’s a way of adapting to their environment, withholding their true character and opinions, and mirroring you, in a show of apparent compatibility. It’s a survival mechanism.

6. They are hyper-critical of you. They will read an article you have written, and their eye will immediately be drawn to the one typo in it, which they seem to enjoy pointing out to you. They note every crease in a tablecloth or scratch on a table. They are fundamentally ungenerous, and looking for flaws in everything you do.

7. They are ungrateful when accepting gifts from you. Somehow, whatever you have chosen for them will not be quite what they want, or will have something wrong with it, and they are not too polite to hurt your feelings by saying so. It’s not the thought that counts! This is a form of devaluation and disrespect.

8. They do not check in on you or reach out to you to see how you are, and the relationship feels very one-sided. Because it is. You are the giver. They say things like: ‘I’m not ignoring you.’ Or ‘I am going to go quiet for a while’. Like a bear hibernating for the winter. Because they have got enough supply for the moment. You’ll see them again when they are hungry.

9. Their habitual mode is passive aggressive. They efface themselves in the relationship, and then lash out when their frustration builds up. No healthy open discussion. Their ‘relational style’ is to not engage in the effort of honest dialogue. It’s lazy, and it’s avoidant. A lot of time is wasted in listening to their self-justifying caterwauling.

Basically, the higher any individual scores on the above checklist, the more likely they are to be opportunistic and possibly predatory. At the very least, the relationship with them is not equitable and balanced: there is a disparity, and it should not be glossed over. Don’t try to exercise tolerance or compassion towards such individuals. Cut them off.

Many people come from very difficult backgrounds, and have learned to relate to others in abusive or damaged familial contexts. It is important to extend grace and compassion to each other, and to help where we can. But discernment should be exercised, when the victim card is being continually played. Such people are sycophants, flatterers, fawners and parasites.

This is a challenging era in which we live, and we need to ensure that our immediate contexts, both physically and emotionally, are as clean and clear as possible. Time to conserve our resources, everyone! Match your energy, observe the way people conduct themselves, and align with people who can give as well as take.

What People Don’t Realise About Weight Loss




Now there are weight loss drugs available, in various forms, and a person can lose 30 kilos of body weight or more in only a few months. When we consider that the celebrities we see on red carpets or catwalks are about 50 kilos in weight, we can understand the significance of this change. This ‘supermodel’ body is only inhabited or owned or maintained by a small percentage of the female population.

If we focus only on appearance and status and admiration (‘Your friends will be amazed at the difference in you!’), it’s a straightforward success story. But if we are above 70 kilograms or 80 kilograms in weight, or 90, or 100, and we are medically described as morbidly obese, and we find it difficult to fit into our clothes, or even move around easily, let alone run or even walk, we need to understand that we are dealing with psychology as well as biology.

A rapid weight loss does not give us much time to address the psychological reasons behind the weight gain in the first place, which at these levels has taken time, and involved habits and choices which have been made by us over many months and years.

Weight is a shield, and a protection. Many women feel exposed to the gaze and intrusive observations and assessments of others, and carrying extra weight deflects this. We live in a society which crudely rates people out of 10, and excess weight immediately drops our visual desirability. To some people, this feels like peace.

Weight blurs our features, and makes us less identifiable and distinctive. In the era of digital photography, if a person loses substantial weight between having their passport photographs taken, the camera does not recognise them as the same person.

Weight protects us to some extent from being manhandled and physically lifted and hurled against walls by abusive partners. No one who is over 80 kilograms in weight can easily be thrown around like a rag doll. To some people, being a woman of substance feels like safety.

Excessive weight is called ‘morbid’ because it puts layers of fat around our internal organs, making it more difficult for our digestive systems and our hearts to work properly. This has long term negative effects that can be difficult to reverse. It also affects our hormonal regulation, so we do not feel so sexually motivated. Our libido level is diminished. This in many ways simplifies our lives. It relieves us of those hot whips of adrenaline that accompany attraction.

What we need to understand is that when we lose a large amount of weight, and get close to the essential bone structures of our bodies, we inevitably attract more people’s interest, and are thus unconsciously signalling our desirability and availability to others. Our weight acted as a physical parenthesis around us, signalling our unavailability. But it also put us at a disadvantage, in terms of putting off people who might otherwise have been attracted to us. It is a shield, a cloak, and a filter.

We had got used to a more muted life, and the physical boundaries and defences we had built should dissolve more slowly, in order for our sense of self and sovereignty to adjust to the changed conditions. The positive attention directed at someone who has lost weight is overwhelming. You are seen, admired, recognised, approved of, desired, sought after. It can be like a powerful incoming force like a king tide which makes it difficult to keep your bearings.

Your relationships completely change. You have far more choice and opportunity. You can move more freely through the world, moving through not only dress sizes but through style and fashion eras, and into spheres in which you had not felt comfortable, before. You may have thought only clunky jewellery suited you. You could be wrong: delicate jewellery can now be seen to advantage on your more streamlined face and body. Your senses get sharpened, and you respond more intensely to sensory experiences of all kinds. You are waking up after being half asleep for years. You feel fully alive.

But without sustained nutritional support and strength building during the entire process, your complexion will not brighten, and soften and your hair will not thicken and become shinier. The fact is, if you have carried extra weight for a while, your body has adjusted to your previous weight and mode, and it naturally takes time for your entire system to recalibrate itself. You must positively support yourself through good diet and exercise routines. You should keep aware of what makes you uncomfortable, and when you feel unsafe.

You ‘suddenly’ become visible, and gorgeous, and people say you look like a model or ask if you are in an advertisement. It can go to your head. As a young girl, being told you are pretty is a wonderful thing. But as a woman, depending on your life experiences, and how much your identity is determined by the way people look at you and the admiration or respect they accord you, your presentation is something that can be seen by you as something you have greater control over. If you want to be respected for your character, and your brains, and your articulacy, don’t overshadow these aspects or displace them. Present yourself always fully, as a whole person. You can modify how you want to appear, according to the event you are attending. You do not have to display your breasts or your legs or your hips and buttocks or draw attention to your ‘attributes’ and ‘endowments’, if you do not want to elicit the attention of every drooling member of the citizenry. You are not just a thirst trap or a cynosure.

You can live your life, more freely and naturally. But do so with awareness of the way human beings of all genders and cultures respond to each other’s changing energy. By shifting shape, and consciously choosing to do so, you are radically upgrading your life experience. You are opening doors to worlds that you may or may not like or feel safe in. You become an object of beauty, and people’s gaze lingers on you. You are now in the Pretty Privilege enclave, roped off and insulated from the ‘hot struggles of the poor’, to quote F. Scott Fitzgerald. Only in this world, we are talking about poverty defined as being genetically unblessed.The air is rarefied, the language is aerated (everyone talks of ‘elevating’, and ‘curating’ and ‘augmenting’ and ‘positioning’ and ‘aligning values’) and there is a lot of conspicuous consumption - of everything but food. Kate Moss highlighted this by saying that ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.’ Do not simplistically substitute drugs or cigarettes or other stimulants or sedatives for food. Our bodies need nutrition, not just distraction.

Overall, by losing excess weight, turning potential or stored energy into active kinetic energy, you activate your life: your sexual drive, your intellectual vibrancy, your psychological capacity, your openness to relationships, and your sense of self worth. This is such a comprehensive and monumental shift that it is best undertaken as mindfully as possible. You might wish to pace yourself.

Soft Politics And Shadowplays

Recently, a senior academic at Peradeniya University was removed from his position after being found guilty of sexual abuse of a junior colleague. The Supreme Court intervened to ensure that the sexual harassment in this instance was met with legal consequences in the face of the initial failure of the university to act to uphold the rights of the targeted woman.

What is significant about this case was that predatory behaviour in the professional environment, which usually takes place in private settings and which, due to the embarrassment and shame surrounding any victim who complains, is usually never brought into the open, was in this instance named and investigated and that the perpetrator was prosecuted and suffered real consequences for his conduct.

This landmark judgment offers dignity to an individual who has been wronged and also requires that the institutions and organizations in which the perpetrator operates step up into accountability even at the cost of initial public embarrassment. Shame must now start to change sides. For too long in this country the victims of abuse and unprofessional misconduct have been shamed instead of the perpetrators facing consequences for their actions.

To understand that men and women in Sri Lanka live in different worlds in the same country, one only needs to interview several women in different spheres – business, government, academe, literature and media – about their experiences of harassment in their professional lives.

We can see then how misogyny and classism intersect in various spheres of society: in media, corporations, academia, the law and the professions, in government offices and in the private sector, including the worlds of politics, journalism and literature.

This disproportional experience of harassment and abuse is of course not unique to Sri Lanka but when people say that Sri Lanka is a country like no other, endemic misogyny can be seen as the context in which Sri Lanka has not had a Time’s Up or Me Too movement. Sri Lanka has its Weinsteins and its Epsteins but they are not operating on such a high profile level. All sexual abuse and gender based harassment cases have certain features in common: in every case, major power imbalances exist between the perpetrator and his target and a form of bartering transaction takes place between a less experienced person, usually a girl or young woman, and a more experienced person who in most cases is male, mega rich, in the public eye and socially powerful.

In every instance, the perpetrator exhibits a sense of false but socially endorsed entitlement, dehumanizes the person they target and objectifies and exploits the person whom they are subjecting to mistreatment as if the people they harass are all generic and interchangeable and not individual human beings. These predators have developed a pattern of identifying the vulnerable and treating them like trophies and toys, devalued and discarded after use and abuse.

The ignorance and lack of sex education and rights and consent in which young women are still being raised in Sri Lanka leave them vulnerable to exploitation and coercion. In their lack of access to direct paths of advancement based on their merit and their social precariousness, they are part of an underclass defined by their gender status as weaker. Many do not even realize that what happens to them qualifies as abuse or is illegal. In the transactional environments of corporations and commerce, they are treated as commodities and expected to barter their beauty and desirability for promotion and advancement in their careers. Their economic vulnerability compounds their victim status. And this gives the perpetrators leverage over them.

There is a long tradition of infantilizing, marginalizing and ornamentalizing women. Women exist, in the minds of misogynistic people, merely to serve men, not as intellectual companions to discuss ideas with or to listen to or learn from. An interesting article arising from the Epstein investigation highlighted the way this belief operates to invalidate women.

Interestingly, what seems like alpha masculinity is performed by perpetrators who actually despise and dislike women as a gender, believing them to be an underclass, not seen as equals. The people they praise and venerate are usually only men. From the most trivial exclusionary memes they share, extolling only the great men of history to the all-male boards and panels and steering committees in corporate and governance culture, women are relegated to non-educative and non-executive roles.


The platforming of predators

Many of the worst offenders exhibit grandiose narcissism and seek public recognition and fame, so they operate in what we may see as a split screen mode: perceived as respectable and renowned in public and acclaimed and platformed unknowingly by institutions operating in a whole social context that is created to empower them.

Their predatory personal conduct occurs in a hidden realm and the public only sees these brash young men – articulate, often charming, and often described as a powerhouse or controversial or unapologetic. The worst behavior usually occurs in their late teens, twenties and thirties. Their talent and loquaciousness enable them to ingratiate themselves with useful seniors in the institutions to which they attach themselves. Their directors and superiors have no idea of the conduct that is going on in the lower tiers of their research centres, foundations and corporations. By the time the perpetrators are in their forties and fifties, they have outlived the excuse of youthful brazenness but they have by then left those hunting grounds behind them.

All of them have preyed on women, professionally and sexually. And all of them have systematically interfered with women’s professional progress and reputation in their fields. They have flourished in a culture of impunity. This culture is still entrenched but it is now being exposed.

Given their track records, there is no reason to think that they change their beliefs and personal standards of conduct as they mature, although they age out of bad boy status over the years and many have sought positions of authority in academe. Several continue to ingratiate themselves with recognized people of good character as a form of camouflage. Meanwhile, the women whose career paths they have disrupted and derailed have to overcome the trauma they have experienced in order to progress in their lives.

The old guard are innocents who believe in ethics and moral codes, especially senior leaders and people of the older generation who live by codes of honour and integrity, and have been unknowingly platforming and promoting these questionable characters

This insidious moral corruption has infiltrated every institution in the country.

Based on the extensive anecdotal evidence so far, it is clear that this gross conduct occurs in a sort of parallel shadow realm, away from the blaze of the public eye in which these predators like to strut and preen. Interfering with women is a sort of pastime for them, a leisure activity, which soothes their bristling egos and brings them temporary relief. The women involved are seen as a renewable resource.

They have thought until now that no one would ever call them out or remember how they have treated all the junior females they treated as prey. The harassment only ceased when the predators moved on in search of fresh supply.

The revelatory antics of Hugh Hefner, Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Epstein, not to mention the fictional Charlie of Charlie’s Angels and actors and movie stars and beauty pageant hosts, have taught us that any man who encircles himself with women and surrounds himself with a harem of girlfriends and who is seen pictured with a bevy of young girls catering to him is viewed as powerful in a primate culture. James Bond is admired as a ladies’ man but the Bond Girls are almost indistinguishable from the cars and the other expensive luxury toys in his garage and from each other.

Many men identify with these “winning” stereotypes of success and seek to emulate them.

Whisper campaigns and shadow sovereignty

Because Sri Lanka is so small and the spheres in which high flying aspirants operate is likewise relatively restricted, several names have come up several times in relation to sexually predatory and coercive conduct, bullying, disrespect and harassment. Several of these men have visibly engaged in clean-up activities to burnish their good name in recent years, including participating in community enterprises, archiving offensive blogs which made them controversial and on which they built their own visibility and performing pro-feminist virtue signalling of various kinds.

The Supreme Court in the case of the Peradeniya academic ruled that the members of all the departments at the university had to attend mandatory harassment awareness training. But the perpetrators in the wider community clearly believe they have managed to get away with it, keeping it undercover and refraining from perpetrating harassment against anyone but the most powerless and making it a point to befriend public feminists, presenting themselves as allies to the extent of even to this day giving presentations at public festivals on subject areas in which they have supposedly made themselves recognised experts. Certainly, perpetrating abuse makes a person an expert on it but so does being targeted by it.

Swasthika Arulingam on her FB Page recently stated, “When we speak up, we don’t always get justice. Today morning I saw the face of a sexual predator being paraded as a ‘literary expert’ in an upcoming literary event. That is life.” She does not name the specific individual she has in mind, but there are at least three men who would fit her description.

This should not be what defines life for a Sri Lankan woman.

Men who have built fortunes on catering to the preferences of misogynistic viewers and consumers are now having to pivot. Elon Musk is having to reconsider the use of his X platforms to promote deepfake images.

Opportunistic fempowerment is being engaged in by men like this and it does not seem like atonement but appeasement. These femphobic men in their daily conduct in their workplaces have short fuses, are irritable and often contemptuous of women they consider beneath them in the work hierarchy and dismissive and hostile to their juniors, especially if they feel their own authority or pre-eminence is not being respected.

They have caused real damage to the women concerned, and to the country by extension, discouraging people of genuine talent from engaging in their work with full strength and vigor. The homegrown misogyny of our country intersects with the rise of global masculinist incel culture and its inbuilt resentment of the progress women have made in professional spheres.

Like all narcissists, the men who perpetrate harassment in the professional sphere behind closed office doors are very good at presenting an affable public profile and cultivating key people to create a cover of social respectability for themselves. It is a form of strategic camouflage that signals the opportunistic predator.

They do not usually change their conduct without intervention. And their fuelling compulsion is power hunger, not necessarily lust. In fact, misogyny operates to devalue women. One well known perpetrator tried to actively sabotage a young researcher and journalist just a year and a half ago. She was subjected to verbal and tactile workplace harassment, phone harassment via menacing voice calls that were so sudden and so short that she could not record them, whisper campaigns and defamation of her in the wider community to try to prevent and hobble her – eventually successful – crowdfunding campaign when she was accepted to study at an overseas university.

A known perpetrator of domestic violence has been invited to speak about cyber violence and another expresses outrage at the terrible violation of a schoolgirl but shares photos of the victim’s face at the death scene on his public blog. Is it to show what violent rape looks like or to further exploit the body and dignity of this young woman to self-servingly amplify his own readership? The pressure of the never ending need to create content tends to encourage this kind of desensitization.

There are institutions in Sri Lanka that are known as terrible places to work, for women. There are men who young women are specifically warned to avoid. Some offices of various newspaper publications are still known to be spheres where certain journalists considered their offices a hunting ground and the young female journalists as prey. One young journalist said a senior journalist who had positioned himself as a mentor to her had sent her a picture of himself shirtless to her phone. When she did not reply he texted “sent in error” and deleted the picture. But of course she still had the photo at her end and showed it to her friends and her fiancĂ©.

In the literary sphere with the advent of the internet many articulate young people built reputations as opinion writers and bloggers. Some have made it a successful basis for their careers as influencers or travel writers. But in the literary world, we found young men about 10 to 15 years ago often publicly attacking women writers, not only those who were their peers, but older and more established writers who were already occupying cultural space they wanted to enter that they had earned themselves and who had started to win the very few literary prizes available at that time to writers when the men tried year after year and kept failing.

There seemed, under the protection of free speech and public opinion, to be a group of individuals behaving like wild animals in the literary sphere in the 2010s. They even used the term attack worthy to describe their targets. When asked if they felt any sense of responsibility to uphold standards of ethics and objectivity, at a public forum in 2015, especially in reviewing people’s work, they said that people were taking their humorous and light-hearted statements too seriously.

Their justification for writing attack pieces was that so many reviewers are too afraid and timid to be critical and tended to write friendly reviews to appease their friends. But attacking a writer and critiquing their work are very different activities, with very different intentions. One of these men tried via a vilification campaign to have a senior writer’s work removed from the local English syllabus so that younger local authors (presumably like himself and his cohort) could occupy that territory. A woman who had authority, comprised of seniority and comparative high socio-economic status and literary skill, especially as this woman was English-educated and came from a foreign country, was a many-layered threat to a mindset like this. Taking her down seemed like a duty to the downtrodden. The editors at his newspaper were threatened with legal action by the writer and they scrambled to try and placate the lady. The rule with defamation matters is that an apology should be offered in the same forum in which the injury has taken place. A woman’s professional reputation is her sovereign territory and having earned it, she has every right to defend it in any public forum against such devaluation.

The internet and the obsession it generates with gaining followings and increasing likes and clicks and views perfectly meshed with the ambitions of self-aggrandizing perpetrators. Controversy sells. Aiming for the lowest common denominator yielded short term rewards. They bought in big and tried with varying success to cash out before the market fell.

They seemed ignorant and uncaring of the reputational damage they were causing. In fact, they seemed to derive satisfaction from it. One of these individuals took the slander and libel that had become normalized in the digital culture in this period to an extreme when he attacked a female writer on his public Facebook platform. The post and the comments thread in that instance were photographed and handed to the police. The perpetrator was formally summoned by the police and asked why he had attacked this woman in such a public way. He had mistakenly thought that by removing the post 24 hours after he had posted it he could not be held accountable.

He tried to justify his actions by claiming that she had written an article attacking him. Asked to produce the article he had cited, which was read in front of him by the police officers who were interviewing him, he was asked why he held this belief since no actual name of any individual was in the published article and it was a general article that did not identify him in any way. He had to admit this as a fact. He was charged with malicious harassment and threatened with having his social media accounts deactivated if he offended again.

The underlying grievance held by this individual was that he had wanted to be reviewed in the most widely circulated print newspaper in the country. Desiring social credibility, he had approached this woman writer to review his 80,000 word book so he could gain the more public recognition he craved at that time. Her refusal to do the review was made on professional grounds that she was in the midst of her own professional schedule. But it triggered narcissistic rage in him. In his view, women existed to service him, to succor his need for praise and to advance his career.

Disrespect for a woman’s professional career, her life and her schedule is part and parcel of misogyny. And many men see a woman’s commitment to her unfolding career, her professional development and her prioritizing of her professional challenges, duties and responsibilities as personal rejection. We see the cycle of love bombing, grievance, devaluation and discard operating in every harassment case. The perpetrator’s frustrations do not need to be sexual. In fact, sex in professional spheres is about power and validation, not desire; power imbalances excite predators. The desire to dominate and control what threatens us and to assert ourselves at the expense of others is a tale as old as time.

The traditional beliefs of our parents were that people’s professional and personal lives should be kept separate and judged separately. But when a person uses their professional workplace for personal gratification, these demarcations come down and the boundaries get blurred.

Our online culture today also escalates this blurring of boundaries. Sri Lankan men in their twenties, thirties and forties, and now even younger and older, are increasingly avid consumers of pornographic content. Women are being trafficked, their images deep-faked and distributed for money and they are being coerced into creating content to cater to the rising demand for them to be reduced to images of their sexualized and objectified bodies. Women in the workplace conducting their professional lives are interacting every day with men whose perspectives are now saturated with provocative and enticing images and ideas of women online, women who are offered up to men visually like items on a smorgasbord or a room service menu, on demand.

Old boys’ clubs and isolated young women

Sri Lankan society as a whole has upheld the old beliefs of droit du seigneur and classified the male gender as the elites in a social hierarchy that made men of all ages consider themselves entitled to the servitude, the support, the admiration, the appreciation and the submission and self-effacement of girls and women.

The old boys’ club activities of drinking, sports, warriorship, swearing, dancing and acting inappropriately to women seems to be the contemporary equivalent of the hunting and shooting activities of the privileged people in the old days. Playboys are often predators. And they are now being threatened by exposure, extinction and erasure.

The women were trophies or toys (women in Hugh Hefner’s Playboy world are termed playmates or bunnies) in this arrangement. Translated to the corporate or governance sphere, we see internalized misogyny operating to further entrap and isolate young women who are being subjected to abuse. Colleagues look the other way or are deaf to grievances and complaints and human resources executives violate their codes of conduct and become public relations agents for their bosses. Like any systemic corruption, the enablers and facilitators act as a supportive infrastructure – those who profit from it will not speak against it or call it out. The intersection of sex and commerce and predatory misogyny can be seen very clearly today.

The younger generation has an opportunity to overturn this extractive capitalist conduct. Recently passed legislation recognises the conduct of preying on the vulnerable as criminal behavior and enables it to be prosecuted as such.

Like any observable criminal conduct, there are red flags that can be lined up to make a red carpet stretching straight to jail. There is an unofficial predators’ playbook and there are signature moves tabled there that constitute a recognizable pattern.

The task now is to progress from identifying this behavior to criminalizing it.

The new Anti-Corruption Act No. 9 of 2023 has a dedicated sexual bribery statute. Another important change in the law is that, unlike previously when only a favor, money or gratification given to a public sector officer was considered as a bribe, now even private sector bribery is a criminal offence. Coercion is being outed.

So if someone in a private company like a mid-level manager asks a junior employee for money, then it is a bribe and a criminal offence. Similarly, if any sexual favors are solicited, then it constitutes a bribe and is punishable as a criminal offence. The victim can complain to the Bribery Commission. Here, the transactional attitude that governs this conduct can be used to prosecute the perpetrators.